Yang Xiao Long is a Registered Sex Offender
by Troumvirate
Summary: Yang did nothing wrong! Junior's a bad guy! Yang's a good guy! How dare you!


"The city of Vale has asked me to,

Disclose my sexual crimes to you.

I'm a girl just living her dream,

Happy to have a spot on my team.

You know I'm trying my best to be,

A functioning huntress of society.

I'm not here to start no trouble,

I'm legally required to do the sex offender shuffle.

I'm Yang Xiao Long and I'll refrain,

From grabbing a bartender's balls again.

What I did was not too kind,

But I'm a nice girl, you'll come to find.

I've got a bike named Bumblebee,

It's a pretty sweet ride I think you'll agree.

I'm finally being punished, despite my gender,

By telling you that I'm a sex offender."

* * *

Silence permeated the room as three girls stared blankly at the blonde, who held her arms out proudly after her little song and dance as if she had just finished performing a Broadway musical.

Weiss stared at the chick who in her eyes was worse than one of those filthy animal-people who closet furries want so badly to bang. You know that's the only reason Monty included them in RWBY, right? To appeal to the furry community. It's like how every harem anime has to fill its quota of character archetypes, so there's always one loli.

"What the actual fuck!" Captain Flatchest shouted.

Oh. There's the loli right now. Get it?

"Turns out that going into a nightclub and sexually assaulting a bartender isn't good," Yang said with a shrug. "I thought that because I was a big titted blonde teenager that I could get away with anything. Turns out there's laws and shit that prevent people from doing that kind of thing."

"Durrr, what are you talking about, Yang?" Ruby asked retardedly. " You did nothing wrong. I was there when you did it. It was a looooooooooooong story!"

That was the first time we heard Yang make a pun. Get it? Because she's Barb! She's a literal self insert. Makes you wonder if Yang likes drawing dicks on all the chalkboards in school like Barbara does. Honestly, that'd be pretty cool. Imagine that type of thing happening in Glynda's class or something. Fucking she-hulk probably hasn't seen one since the last time she got plowed by Ironwood's iron wood. Supposedly.

You know how it works in RWBY, right? If two characters don't like each other, that means they wanna fuck. Glynda and Ironwood. Qrow and Winter. Yang and Neo. Actually I take it back. Everyone wants to fuck everyone. Even the people who have never exchanged a single line of dialogue. You people are all some horny bastards.

Speaking of self inserts, here comes Jaune.

"No. No! NO NO NO NO NO NO NO!"

The blonde boy came rushing in, tripping over his own feet as he skid to a halt in front of the teenage girls.

"Don't say that, Yang!" he yelled. "You didn't do anything bad! You're perfect!"

"No, Jaune," Yang said. "You have to look at this from a rational and unbiased standpoint. I went into a guy's business, assaulted him, and then provoked him into a fight. People could have died! I was reckless and irresponsible."

"Nuh uh!" Jaune argued. "Junior was a bad guy! That means you can do anything you want and not feel bad! Please! Please let me have this! I need you, Yang! I need you to be perfect for me!"

"But I'm not perfect." She pointed over to Weiss. "See, the old me would have grabbed that little boy by the balls and squeeze some information out of him."

Weiss stomped her foot. "For the last time, I'm a girl!"

Yang went on. "Imagine if I were a guy, and Junior had been a girl. That would have literally been one of those 'grab her by the pussy' moments."

"NO!" Jaune screamed again. "Do NOT even compare yourself to Donald Drumpf! You're perfect, Yang. You're the best, funniest, sexiest, boobiest character in RWBY. I raged so hard when your screentime got cut in volume 4. It's a good thing you got so much in volume 5. And as everyone knows, volume 5 was the best volume in the history of RWBY. It had the most Yang screentime EVER, so it can be forgiven for all the retcons, plot holes and pacing issues."

"Jaune, why do you even care so much?"

"Because I'm the audience surrogate character. That means I have to defend everything you do just like the audience does. Yang needs more screentime. Yang needs more storylines. Yang needs to reunite with her TRUE LOVE Blake. Until I see her hug Weiss. Then I'll forget all about Blake and start shipping Freezerburn instead. Because I don't care which girl you're with, Yang. I just want to see some hot lesbian action involving you."

Jaune's eyes widened. "Oh no! I just realized that the very same fans who adore you also hate me! Because I'm an evil cisgender white male who hit on Weiss when she said she wasn't interested. I sexually harassed Weiss! If this was a college campus I'd be expelled for violating m'lady's safe space! I should just quit the show right now!"

So Jaune quit RWBY. And RWBY changed its name to YANG because of all the horny fanboys and all the raging lesbians complaining about "muh representation".

And Miles cried after being cyberbullied by a bunch of weirdos.

The end.


End file.
